Putting others on a pedestal

Why do we put others on a pedestal?

There are two main reasons we may place others on a pedestal.

1. We admire them. In the workplace, they may be our boss/senior, or they may be a colleague. We might look up to them, hold them in high regard, respect their achievements, and to some degree, we may even want to be a little more like them. They impress us.
2. We don’t feel good about ourselves. When we lack confidence, or are filled with self-doubt, it’s easy to see others as “better than” us. And so our own low self esteem serves to elevate others in our minds. To put it differently, when you don’t value your own achievements, or you doubt your own abilities-others automatically seem better and smarter than you.

What problems can putting others on a pedestal create for you in the workplace?

Putting others on a pedestal is a “cognitive” activity-it’s something that takes place in your mind-you tell yourself that this person is special, can do no wrong, and deserves as much respect as you can muster. However, a very important principle of CBT is that the way we think affects our behaviour as well as how we feel, emotionally. And in this blog post I will help you understand how putting somebody on a pedestal (cognitively) can negatively impact your behaviour and emotions in the workplace.

Elevating others to a godlike status in the workplace, can lead to a host of problems for us.

These include:

• Paralyzing anxiety
• Avoidance behaviours at work
• Becoming deferential at work
• Negatively impacting our self-view and self-worth
• It can change the nature of our relationship with that person

Let’s look at a few of these problems now.

It changes the nature of our relationship with that person

In the workplace, a power differential already exists between us, and those with more senior titles. This power imbalance comes with the territory; it is “built-in”, if you like-inherent in our working relationship with that person. However, there are ways that we can widen the gap between us and them, and one of these is by elevating them in our minds by boosting them with the language we use, i.e., “they are so fantastic”; “he gave the best presentation”; “she didn’t appear nervous at all”. The language we use and the stories we tell ourselves, about the person we look up to, create an even larger gap in the relationship, than may already exist. And this is all our own doing!

We cannot put somebody on a pedestal without it affecting (in our own minds) our own position. If I look up to you, and put you on a pedestal, I am essentially, lowering myself to a position below you.

Job titles at work, tell us where we stand in the workplace-who’s above us and who’s below us. Our job title communicates to others, our position in the workplace, what they can expect of us, and their job title also communicates to us what we can expect of them. This is important as it helps to set expectations.

Of course, when it comes to our relationship with our boss/manager, there is already an imbalance in the relationship-our boss has the power to decide whether we are granted our annual leave, whether we will get promoted and whether we lose our job. But when we hold them in such high regard such that we see them as infallible, etc. it can affect the way we relate to them.

When we put somebody on a pedestal, we are attaching our own meaning to who they are; they are no longer your manager, but somebody powerful, untouchable, influential, and possibly somebody to be intimidated or frightened of.

I hope you are starting to see how the language you use to describe someone, and your tendency to put them on a pedestal, can affect how you feel about yourself, as well as your actions at work.

It affects the way you think about yourself

When we compare ourselves to others, who we perceive as more successful, articulate, likeable, etc. it affects how we view ourselves. This is important to understand because our self talk (as well as the labels we attribute to others, i.e., successful, faultless, perfect, etc.) can have a significant impact on how we feel about ourselves, as well as on what we do. When we compare ourselves to others, and elevate them in our minds, we are essentially telling ourselves that they are “better than” us, and of course, we end up feeling bad about ourselves.

Examples of negative self-talk include:

• “He/she is so much better at “X” than I am”
• “They are so much more articulate than I am”
• “They are a natural at x, y, or z”
• “I will never be able to do what they are doing”
• “I am not worthy of their time”
• “I am not worthy of being at their level”

Paralysing Anxiety

When we are filled with self-doubt, because we have been comparing ourselves unfavourably to a work colleague, or our Senior, we end up feeling inadequate, incompetent, not good enough and not measuring up. When filled with these negative self-beliefs, we can experience crippling anxiety when we are in the presence of this other person. Our feelings of anxiety can be so severe that we lose our train of thought around them. We may struggle to communicate our thoughts-we may stutter or stumble over our words, or our mind may go blank.

And these feelings of anxiety can ultimately affect how well we perform at work.

Putting somebody on a pedestal can lead to avoidance behaviours

When we experience self-doubt and strong feelings of anxiety at work, it makes sense that we would want to avoid the situations that triggers our anxiety. And so we may avoid speaking up or contributing our thoughts and ideas in meetings; we may avoid being present in a meeting if the person we hold in such high regard will be present; we may avoid (as much as possible) having to work directly with them, or we may avoid giving presentations. We may avoid putting ourselves forward for opportunities that could potentially lead to a promotion at work. These are all examples of behavioural avoidance in the workplace. The feelings of anxiety that we have created for ourselves, by turning our colleague or boss into a godlike figure, can lead to these avoidance behaviours.

Elevating someone in your mind can lead to approval-seeking

It’s natural to want to impress those who we look up to, especially our boss or manager. And so we may go the extra mile by staying later at work, taking on additional work tasks, or volunteering for a task that we really don’t have time for. These are all approval-seeking behaviours that we engage in, in order to impress and hopefully be perceived favourably by the person we have elevated in our minds.

The problem, however, is that those of us who are perceived as reliable, willing, “can do” and “will do” are often taken advantage of. If you suffer from low confidence at work, and you people please as a way of gaining approval, you place yourself at risk of burnout, because more and more demands will be placed on you.

It maintains your low self-esteem and lack of confidence

Comparing yourself to others, especially those more senior to you, leads to, and maintains, low self-esteem and self-doubt. How does this work?

When you elevate someone else to a higher status, you unintentionally lower yourself-you de-value yourself. Symbolically, you are placing yourself below the person you are elevating and that carries with it many implicit (unspoken) messages, including “I’m not good enough”; “they are better than I am”; “I’ll never catch up”, etc. Raising somebody else in your mind, has the unintended consequence of lowering yourselves in your minds. You are giving yourself the message that you are “less than”. You are lacking. You don’t have what they have. They are “up there” and you are “down here”. And this negative self-talk inevitably leads to a decrease in your confidence level.

You become deferential to the one you put on a pedestal

When you look up to somebody at work, and admire them to the point of feeling anxious in their presence (because of what you tell yourself about their greatness), you can become submissive or deferential; your needs all of a sudden become less important than theirs. You allow them to call the shots. For example, if they request a phone call or a meeting at 9:00PM-you agree to it, instead of protecting your own boundaries and suggesting a more convenient time for you.

It distorts how you see the person

We are all fallible human beings. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. But when we put somebody on a pedestal, we no longer see them as a fallible human being, but as a flawless superhuman figure who can do no wrong. You are deceiving yourself by doing so, because everyone, regardless of status, salary or success, is fallible-they have made mistakes, and will make many more of them. You can count on that:).

There is nothing wrong with having respect for someone and for their abilities; it’s OK to look up to someone for the purposes of showing respect, and for learning and growing. It’s also OK to hold somebody in high regard. But when you elevate them to a “can do no wrong” superhuman status in your mind, you are setting yourself up to feel like a failure. You have created in your mind this idea that they are so amazing, and so you relate to them as if they are so amazing, “special”, if you like. And when you perceive them as special, you inevitably treat them as if they are special, and by treating them as if they are special, you undermine your own status, skills and accomplishments, with the outcome being that you feel bad about yourself.

How to knock someone off their pedestal

…whilst preserving your relationship with them and keeping your job at the same time!

If we return to some of the problems that putting others on a pedestal can lead to, the clues for knocking them off their pedestal can be found therein.

Changing your self-talk

Reminding yourself of the reasons you were hired for the job in the first place, can be a good starting point. Examples of some helpful self-talk statements include:

• “I have a lot to contribute at this meeting”
• “I know enough about the subject matter”
• “I may not be as experienced as “him/her” but I am experienced enough”
• “Given I have 20 years less experience than they do, I am doing just fine!”

Eliminate the labels and superlatives when describing them, and use realistic, more grounded language

When talking about, or describing the person who you have been putting on a pedestal, use more realistic language. For example, instead of: “they are so incredible at what they do”, say

“I respect how quickly they can think on their feet” and then remind yourself

“and this ability comes with experience, and in time, I’ll be able to do that too”

Stop being deferential and set boundaries when necessary

If you continue to bend over backwards to please or seek their approval, you will not necessarily gain their respect-rather, you will teach them that your needs don’t matter. You may gain their respect much more by assertively (i.e., politely and directly) expressing your thoughts and ideas on a project, or explaining that you cannot work late on Friday evening because you already have commitments that cannot easily be changed.

Take the opportunity to shine at work! Approach rather than avoid situations

It’s a lot easier (in the short-term) to avoid anxiety-provoking situations at work, but it’s really important that you reduce your avoidance and take opportunities when they arise, i.e., speak up in meetings, volunteer to chair a meeting, ensure you are present at the meeting your “superior” is at, etc. Take the opportunities to showcase your talents, when they present themselves. The longer you avoid these situations, the worse your anxiety will get in the long-term.