Men Supporting Men: How To Get Men To Talk About Their Feelings
Stronger Together: 4 Ways Men Can Support Each Other’s Mental Wellbeing
Men have often been raised to value strength, independence and stoicism, but these messages can become barriers when it comes to mental health. You may feel unsure about how to get men to talk about their feelings, how to ask a friend for help with mental health, how men can support each other, or even how to start this conversation with others. The truth is men supporting men isn’t just powerful or an added bonus – it’s essential. In this post, we will explore four realistic and meaningful ways men can support each other’s mental wellbeing, and why emotional openness in male friendships can change lives.
How To Get Men To Talk About Their Feelings
So, how do we actually go about getting men to talk about their feelings? Considering that many men are not used to having emotionally open conversations, the key is to start small.
Given that most men have been taught that opening up emotionally, or talking about feelings goes against the grain of what being a man is all about, throwing them in the deep end is likely to have them running for the hills.
When a person has had a lifetime of stoicism, stiff upper lip, traditional masculine upbringing, it would be unrealistic to expect them to feel comfortable at the thought of opening up. Opening up on an emotional level can feel very vulnerable and anxiety provoking for those who are not used to doing so.
Another very helpful way to encourage men to talk about how they feel, is to lead by example. You can’t expect somebody else to be emotionally open with you if you aren’t willing to open up to them. Showing your vulnerable side, even in small ways, will show your friend, brother, colleague, partner, father or son that you are a safe person to open up to, without pressure or judgement.
4 Ways Men Can Support Each Other’s Mental Wellbeing
1) Create Safe Spaces for Men to Talk About Their Feelings
In his documentary, ‘Roman Kemp: Our Silent Emergency’, Kemp talked about the “ask twice” or “Two OK” rule.
Essentially, he noted that most men, in fact, most people-would answer “all good, you?” when asked how they were, even if they were having a terrible day. Kemp urged the audience, men in particular, to follow up with “okay, but how are you really?” to open up a deeper conversation. The “two OK” rule is this: ask twice!
You can create a safe space for emotional openness during casual activities such as walks, gym sessions, video games, other sporting activities, and so on, where talking can feel more relaxed. It can feel easier to open up when you are not sitting head to head (face to face) with someone, and when you are engaging in a shared activity.
Having said that, many men do enjoy (and feel more comfortable in) a one to one, as opposed to a large group setting, either in a pub, restaurant or café. It’s really a personal preference. If you and your friends typically meet at a pub or coffee shop, then that might be a good place to meet for an important chat.
Importantly, when your friend does open up to you, avoid jumping straight in to “fix” their problems or give advice. Just listen. And if you relate to what they are saying, then say so.
Saying something like “I hear you mate” or “I have felt the same way too” can create a bond, an understanding, and can go a long way in validating how your friend feels. Creating a safe space means allowing your friend to talk without interruption. That is a skill in itself.
2) Be Willing to Go First
Lead by example. Try to embrace speaking about difficult topics with your friends yourself, and watch how it encourages them to do the same.
Opening up to your friends about your mental health can be incredibly empowering and validating, and if you want your friends to open up to you, you need to be able to show you’re willing to do the same. To show that it is safe to show vulnerablity in your male friendships, and that it’s okay to be emotionally open with you.
Let’s be honest about something: there are different types of conversations we can have with our friends. And you don’t need to start with the most anxiety provoking topic or conversation.
For example, perhaps sharing that you have been feeling a bit stressed at work feels easier than sharing that you and your partner have been trying for a baby but have been having some challenges in that area. You don’t need to start with something “huge”, and you definitely don’t need to wait until you’re reaching a crisis point to open up.
In fact, that is not advisable. Simply stating that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed lately is enough to get a conversation going. And once the conversation gets going, the greater the chances that moving forward, your friend will ask you how you’re doing, on a more regular basis.
Remember, when you allow yourself to show vulnerability in your male friendships, it not only tells that that things aren’t OK at the minute, but it also gives them permission to do the same. In fact, one of the most powerful ways to encourage men to open up emotionally is to model that openness yourself.
3) Normalise Getting Help
We need to break the myth that “real men should deal with it alone” and normalise talking about how they feel, and normalise getting help. If you’ve had therapy or are having therapy, opening up your friends about the fact that you are seeing a therapist can go a long way in reducing the stigma surrounding help-seeking for men.
You don’t have to share anything about your therapy experience that you don’t want to-just simply mentioning that you have decided to talk to someone, can lead to a more open discussion with a friend, about the importance of talking.
If a friend does open up to you about their struggles and they are not seeing a therapist, you can normalise getting help by suggesting they talk to someone (a professional)–without making it sound shameful or secretive. It’s not an either-or.
You can let them know that you are there for them, but that it might also be worth speaking to a professional, someone objective with the professional experience behind them. Getting help for our mental health, is a smart and proactive step, rather than a last resort.
4) Check-In and Follow Up
What tends to happen in male friendships is that these conversations might happen, but then they are brushed under the carpet and never spoken about again. It might feel more comfortable and less awkward to pretend that everything is normal, but that silence can reinforce disconnection or shame.
Consistent support builds trust. Keep showing up for your friends and asking how they are getting on. Follow up on the things they’ve shared; “how did that appointment go?”, “how are you feeling this week?” and so on. Supporting your mates isn’t a one-time event. Men supporting each other means showing up consistently, with ongoing emotional openness in safe spaces.
For example, if your friend has opened up to you one on one, what you don’t want to do is ask them, in front of a larger group how they’re doing, if it means that others may wonder why you are asking.
Maintaining your friend’s confidentiality and keeping what they told you, to yourself, is the foundation of building a friendship based on trust. That said, it might be that your friend isn’t ready to talk, or doesn’t want to open up again after initially disclosing something difficult, to you.
It’s okay to let them know that you’ve got their back and you’ll be there for them when they are ready to talk again. Even a text message can go a long way, i.e., “hoping you’re feeling OK” or “I’m here if you want to talk”, etc.
The Benefits of Opening Up to Other Men
There are many benefits to opening up to other men in your friendship group including, but not limited to:
- You feel more connected to your mates-vulnerability deepens real friendship.
- You give others permission to open up too-you’re not just helping yourself.
- You feel accepted, warts and all-real friendship doesn’t require a performance.
- You challenge outdated ideas of masculinity-emotional openness is a strength.
- You support your own mental health-talking relieves pressure and builds resilience.
How to Ask a Friend for Help with Mental Health
So, now that we’ve established that there are benefits to opening up about your mental health, how do you actually go about asking a friend for help with mental health?
The most important thing to keep in mind is not to wait until you’re at breaking point. The bigger the problem feels, the harder it is to start the conversation, and to be honest, the harder it may be for your friend to know how to help you.
Having regular conversations with your friends about what’s going on in your life is key. That way, when something big does happen, i.e., the loss of your job, the breakdown of a relationship, or a worsening of your anxiety or depression, your friend will already know some of the background history.
Above all, you don’t have to share more than you’re comfortable with. Just starting the conversation is important. You might ask to have a private chat with a friend and share that you’ve not been feeling like yourself lately.
It’s also a good idea to preface the conversation by letting your friend know what you need. Is it advice that you want, or just an ear? That way, they will have some idea as to what you need from them and it might also help them relax into that role a bit easier.
You might say “I could benefit from your advice on this…” or “I’d really like to talk to you about something that has been troubling me, but I don’t expect you to solve it-I just need to talk”. Whatever words feel comfortable to you-let them know what it is you need from them. And also remember that texting can be a good first step, if opening up in person feels too difficult for you right now.
How to Help Men’s Mental Health
Improving men’s mental health is an ongoing challenge, but it is in the smallest actions that we get closer to winning this battle. Opening up emotionally about how you’ve been feeling needs to be a regular part of everyday life, not a specific topic celebrated in a specific month each year, i.e., Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month. The awareness should be a daily event. It’s in the small conversations that happen every day with your friends. It’s in the moments when you’re able to stop and take a break and think about “how am I feeling right now”? And know that those feelings mean something. They tell you something. Whether it’s anxiety, anger, frustration, worry or sadness-name the emotion and allow yourself to think about what is contributing to you feeling that way. It’s in these everyday check-ins with ourselves, as well as with our friends/loved ones, that we will encourage men to open up emotionally and to see this as part of “normal life”.
As alluded to earlier, this isn’t about “fixing” your mates, or rushing to judgement, or trying to problem solve if that’s not what they want. It’s about listening-giving them that space to talk.
And once they have opened up to you, thank them for talking to you, and for trusting you, and follow up a few days later, i.e., “been thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing”.
Sharing resources such as the name of a good therapist, a men’s group, or a helpful book or podcast, can also go a long way to improving men’s mental health.
The Lasting Impact of Men Supporting Men
There is a vulnerability in opening up about our feelings and our deepest and darkest thoughts-but there is also the opportunity for connection, understanding, growth and validation.
When men support men, we create new spaces where being understood and supported matters more than being tough. You don’t need to have all the answers when offering emotional support to a friend-you just need to show up, i.e., be there for them. Sometimes that’s all it takes to make a real difference. Men really are stronger together.
Mental Health Support in Canary Wharf
The Canary Wharf workforce has a large male population. Given the high pressured work environment that many men find themselves in, including long hours, unrealistic deadlines, meeting on top of meeting, and constant bombardment of messages, it is no surprise that a lot of men in Canary Wharf are struggling with their mental health and are on the verge of burnout.
If you or someone you know is feeling the strain, either as a result of work or personal circumstances, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Private CBT therapy in Canary Wharf is available; it is discreet, confidential, and offers you a safe and supportive environment where you can talk to someone without judgment.
I would love to hear from you. Get in touch to find out how I can help you.
